I would've
by Celiyan
Summary: One-shot! He only thinks about him and what happened a year ago. He wished he could change it all. Why did it had to come out like this? He never had the chance to confess his love..


This one-shot is for my dear friend friend DarkAnimeWink. Happy early (really early) birthday and happy christmas!

Warning: Slight OOC'ness.. and AU I guess. I tried to write it when Judai left school and started his journey.

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If it where anyone else, I would've left you behind with them. I would've heard you screaming on the streets while getting molested and treated like trash by the persons you called 'friends'. I would've done nothing but walking forwards, not even caring about your pleas. Waiting for the others to finish their desperate needs to out their anger and stress on you, and then maybe take a look if you where still alive, and then walk away. I wouldn't even care if you where dead or not, not at all.

But you where not anyone else, you where the one I loved. The one getting molested on street by your so called 'friends' and being treated like trash. You where the one calling out for help, not some stranger I don't know. That's why I came to save you, before it was too late. But just as I finally made it to you, you where lying on the ground without any clothes on and full with bruises. The people who did this where already gone, and you didn't move. As I slowly lost my sanity to see my beloved lying on the ground after being treated like that, I couldn't help but feel guilty. If I had been here earlier, I could've prevented this, but I couldn't. I wasn't there in time, so I had to make up for it.

It was from this day a year ago since it happened. The culprits still didn't get caught, and I was doubting about if they would ever get caught at all. I asked you many times who they where, but you wouldn't give me an answer. 'It wasn't important, and what was done, was done' is what you always said. Did you forgive the culprits? Because if you did, you're certainly not good in you head.

All I can hope for is for life giving me a second change to make it up to you. I couldn't sleep for months after what happened, and the guilt ate me up bits by bits. But when you finally became your old self again, I finally could sleep normally again, but the guilt didn't go away. I can't forget the night when it happened. I can't forget how you looked like; full with bruises and blood by your entrance, and unclothed. Something white dripping from your mouth, but I wouldn't dare to ask what it was, or what they did.

With how many would they have been? Did they take turns? After you finally woke up back there, you where exhausted as hell. You couldn't breath normally, nor talk, and your heart pounded fast like it wasn't supposed to do. I had to bring you home carrying you bridal style, and I sure as hell knew I only made you feel worse then you already did. After you get molested, I wouldn't be surprised if you didn't want anyone to touch you, but I didn't had a choice, I had to get you off the street. You struggled in your sleep when I lied you down on the couch in my house, and covered you under a blanket, but you still shivered. Not from the cold, I was sure about that.

I remembered how you fell asleep in my arms before I could lay you down on the couch. You where calm, and your eyes where closed. You looked so.. Peaceful, yet cutely and vulnerable. I couldn't help but give a weak smile when I saw you, the one I loved, sleeping in my arms like that. If you wouldn't had been molested, I wouldn't have stopped myself from planting a kiss on your soft pinkish lips, but I couldn't do that after what happened, I would've been a horrible person.

I swear to god that if I ever met the ones who did this, they wouldn't get away with it. It has been a year, and I still feel the guilt. Maybe I could make it disappear slightly when I get rid of these horrible persons. At least, it would make you feel better. At the time you're travelling around the world, looking for places you never saw before, but with the memory from that day. And not being sure if the people got caught or not. I'm sure your scared if they would ever get back and do it all over.. But if that would happen, I would be there in time. I would prevent it to happen again, I would stand up for you and do everything I can do to protect you. I would even offer my own body to spare yours after what it had been through. I would gladly sacrifice my innocence for you, I would do anything for you..

But sadly enough, I never had the change to tell you. After what happened, you left duel academy and planned to travel around the world since you always wanted to do it. You wanted to forget about everything what happened that day, and the incidents on duel academy. Which also meant forgetting about me. I should've told you earlier that I loved you more then a friend, but that's too late now. I now hope you're okay, and that you're having fun wherever you are. I wouldn't forgive myself if there would happen anything to you now, and I couldn't do anything about it.

I have thought about it many times to search for you and tell you about how I feel. To hear your voice again, and see you smiling like how you used to before it happened. How you made others happy, and how you cared about others more then yourself. You should know how much I would give to see you again. I missed you, and I still do. The year without you had been so lonely. The happiness itself had disappeared, and I don't even know how many of your friends had been in a depression. It was a awful sight, and that was only a week after you left. Luckily some of our friends had picked up their lives and tried to go on without you, but they would never ever forget about you.

Its weird how things had turned out. If you weren't being molested that day, you would've probably still been here with us, laughing and joking, and maybe I would've confessed to you. Even that was a weird thing turned out, because I didn't even realise I loved you. I knew from the moment when I first laid my eyes on you, there was something special, but I couldn't figure out what it was. I was happy then when we became good friends, and after that a little more. We loved each other like brothers, friends for life, until I realised I loved you even more then that. I wanted to be with you for my whole life, hugging you and holding you close to me. Waking up next to you, and kissing your soft lips..

But sadly, it didn't turned out that way. You got molested and went away, and I didn't confess. You're probably somewhere far away from here, and I'm here with a broken heart. You have probably found a new lover, and I am sulking how I had never confessed to my real love. I didn't ever imagine life could be that cruel, but I guess that's just how it is, and I can't change a thing about it.

Because if I could change things, I would go back to that day and be on time. I would've protected you from them, and kicked their asses. I would've make them beg for hell, and then be sure they wouldn't ever try touch someone ever again. And then I would've hugged you and told you soothing words to calm you down, and hug you closely. I would've patted your soft hair and told you everything was okay, because I was there for you on time, and they didn't get you. And then, if it was a good moment, I would lean down and press my lips on your soft ones. I would kiss you lovely, and hope you would kiss back. And if you did, I would've confessed my love to you. And maybe if you loved me back, we would've been together as real lovers. No more fantasies, but the real thing.

The thought about you and me being lovers made me feel warm inside. I had many fantasies how our life would've been if we where together. Like, keeping each other company while watching the sun goes down on the beach, watching the fireworks on new year, or just laughing about stupid things that happened in our lives. And just maybe we could've adopted a child, maybe a girl, because I know you liked baby girls. Then we would've been a happy family without anything to ruin it. We would be together with our lovely baby girl, and spend our time together.

Though, those where only fantasies. How I see my future now is a lot more different then what I said before. We wouldn't be together because I didn't confess, and I wouldn't be happy. I would live alone in some part of apartment, and be depressed. I would never come outside my door, and would always wait for the day you will return home, but knowing you won't come back because of the bad experiences that had occurred on duel academy.

Now I'm thinking of it, I should know better then let it come to this.

You wouldn't have wanted me to end up like that, so I had to do my best and make the best of it. I will live my life for you until I finally get the chance to make up to you for what happened last year. I would take any chances, just to let you see I care about you and that I'm still feeling guilty. I just can't believe how I could've been too late. When I heard you scream, I didn't know it was you. I thought it was just some stranger I didn't knew getting molested, but when I got closer, I finally recognised your voice. I ran and ran and searched all around for you, until I found you. And at that time, I found out I was too late.

Maybe this was supposed to happen? Maybe god didn't even wanted you and me to be together? Ore maybe its just a punishment for me by not telling you I loved you? I didn't know, I also didn't know why your 'friends' did these things. If you where still here, I would've tried to know more about the culprits, but I guess I have to find out by myself. It would take some time to know who the culprits where, but I would do it for you. I would search for them until I found them, and then as I promised, make them beg for hell.

I would make them pay for the scars they left behind mentally and psychically. I would make them suffer for the harm they had done to you, and make them regret everything they did. I would be a merciless murderer and kill them one after one after they had their punishment. I would set them on fire, bury them alive, push them off a cliff, or just slice their treat open with a knife. I would enjoy seeing them in pain, because that pain what they'll feel is the same as you felt when they did things to you.

And after that, I would be my lovely self again. I would've been the one which was your best friend, and act like nothing ever happened. I would've lived happily by knowing these people weren't around anymore, and by the thoughts you where save now.

I would've been so happy to know you where save again, and hope you would ever come back to visit me. And they maybe, I could tell you how much I loved you.. Judai Yuki.

Sincerely, Johan Anderson.

PS: If you ever read this, you definitely had found my diary.. I guess its weird like how I imagine I'm writing this to you while I wasn't planning to, but I guess its alright if you ever read this.


End file.
